There were lots of moments in the last few months of mums life ( and lots of moments since her death… almost 6 years ago ) that I had to really muster up all the strength I had just to stop myself from crying… it didn’t always work.. tears seem to have a mind of their own !!! and no matter how hard i try or how inappropriate the moment may be tears like to make an appearance!!!
Mum was quite an emotional person herself she would often get emotional when chatting to friends or acquaintances, mostly when she started to talk about dad ( for those of you who don’t know me my dad died of cancer almost 7 years before mum).. I distinctly remember saying to her on more than one occasion “what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” And my tone of voice always strained, vexed.. I was frustrated that mum couldn’t seem to keep her emotions under control… I get it now… the wake up call came..and “being strong” always isn’t an option…
One of the moments when I did managed to hold it together ( only just) was one of mums very last appointments she had with her consultant. The conversation was short and began with the consultant saying to us “we’re going to take your PICC line out”( for those of you who don’t know what a PICC line is it’s the tube or Cather used to administer chemo, take bloods and also administer any other drugs required throughout treatment )…
I let out a very loud and direct “WHY?” ..
“ your mum needs a break from chemo” came the polite but just as direct reply from the consultant followed by an even more direct “Judith stop asking questions” from mum..
Conversation over…
I didn’t ask any more questions that day but looking back on it now I realise it was the beginning of the end for mum.. it wasn’t a break in treatment… it was the end of treatment…
Shortly after mums diagnosis another question she was asked by her consultant was “are you the type of person who likes to know everything?” To which mum swiftly responded “no”.. I got the message.. loud and clear .. respect mums wishes.. keep my mouth shut and do what you can for mum while you can..
“BEING STRONG” was the only option…
So at every single appointment I attended with mum from the first one until the one where I blurted out “WHY” I barely asked a single question.. other than the essential care stuff..
Looking back now it still seems surreal.. I think I was stronger back then .. 6 years ago than I sometimes am now…
I suppose while mum was still alive there was always hope… hope that she might get better, hope that a miraculous cure for cancer would be discovered, just hope…
For now “being strong “ has got easier.. not easy!!! But less of a struggle than it was … I think I’ve become accustomed and almost embraced the tears..
well after all mum did so why shouldn’t I !!!!