5 years ago now.. A horrible day, dreadful..
Not the darkest day but certainly one of the most unpleasant.
Yes it was horrendously sad, but it almost past in a blur. Looking at that coffin ( staring would be more of an appropriate description) in utter disbelief I remember saying to myself “this must be a dream, this is NOT happening, Mum can’t be in there”…
I wasn’t distressed in any way , the only word I can think of to describe my feeling is DAZED.. I spent the day of mums funeral DAZED..
Almost as if I was watching from afar, not really there in person…
So many people were there and I spoke to all of them.. funerals do tend to be gatherings of people that you only ever see at funerals.. ( or weddings..)
I remember being conscious that I must not let mum down… so many people had turned up to “pay their last respects” I had to make sure that I remained calm and composed (pressure put on myself by myself). Mum was so brave not just during her illness but throughout her entire life.. It felt necessary to portray that bravery on what was to be her final goodbye..
The real “dagger in the heart moment” was watching my brother carrying mums coffin into church.. it was almost a physical pain. To this day I don’t know how he managed to stay so composed… I’m so proud of him and I know mum would be too…
The day passed by smiling at people, thanking them for coming, listening to them reminisce about how lovely Mum was and how sorry they were that she had died. The well Intentioned words and sympathetic handshakes continued throughout the day. Looking back now it was all jumbled up words on a jumbled up day…
Surreal.. that’s the most fitting word to describe the day of mums funeral…
Surreal…
The day was emotionally and physically draining ( I was 7 months pregnant at the time).. And I’m sure I’ve forgotten more than I remember about that day..
Darker and more difficult days were to come..
Saying goodbye to Mum, who I had loved and cherished was extremely difficult and yes the funeral was excruciatingly painful but learning to live my life without Mum in it was and is so far the biggest challenge I’ve had to face….