I still think about mum every single day and I remember good times we spent together and great times we had together.
However I am conscious that I have forgotten a lot about her and that some of my memories of mum have faded. 6 years on and I’ve begun to worry and fret that I might forget vital parts of our time together, conversations we had and times we just spent together.
Also lately I’ve been remembering the not so happy times? Arguments we had and times when I was far from the perfect daughter. The guilt has crept in and feelings of regret have at times become almost unbearable . Words that were spoken in the heat of the moment are lingering like unwanted attention. Not the kind of memories I want to relive!!!
However one of the many lessons I have learnt in the last 6 years on this so called “grieving process” is that negative feelings and emotions such as regret and guilt are extremely debilitating. There is only 1 way of dealing with negative feelings ( and it takes a lot of practice) and that is to push, shove or do whatever it takes to remove them from your mind. Dwelling on guilt, regret, anger or any type of negative emotion will drain you completely .
Mum knew that I loved her dearly and I know that she loved me too. Let’s be honest there are no perfect relationships out there and going through the difficult and stressful times with mum didn’t ruin our relationship but in fact made it stronger.
So in order to reinforce and remind myself of mum I had a good old peruse through some photos and I can safely say that it has done my heart good.
Yes the tears were flowing and my heart was aching to see her but my memories are as strong as ever.